my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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