Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
