Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
