so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
