I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
