Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
