The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
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