she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
