That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm way too hungover for life right now
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