I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
