Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
