dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
