wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
