I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Everyone says I win the strip club
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
