While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
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I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
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See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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