I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
