Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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