Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
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He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
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Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We are all done wearing pants today
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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