Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
