ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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