I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
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It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
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It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.