At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
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She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
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Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.