and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
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I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
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I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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