you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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