wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
