I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
