Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
