how can u be prego again
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
