I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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