When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
