i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
