i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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