3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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