I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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