You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
