it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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