phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
