halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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