Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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