I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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