You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
