capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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