I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I checked into jail on foursquare
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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