I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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