this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
