You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
