I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
