Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
