My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
