The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
