I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
