i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
