god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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