theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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