I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
