i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
