I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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