I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
So. Much. Porn.
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