are you so shy because you have an std?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
