She said her name was "party"
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
