between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
