Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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