I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
