So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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