the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
